I have a new dating rule. That’s right, even seasoned One Date Wonders can learn new tricks of the trade. But after some personal experience and careful analysis of conversations with other women, I have developed this new important dating tenet: Once you have broken up with someone, DO NOT EVER GO BACK!
It doesn’t matter who did the breaking up. It doesn’t matter why. Once it’s over, it’s over. Walk away. Don’t look back. And for the love of Pete, do not make excuses. Do not foster illusions. Do not create little fantasies in your head about how you really can live happily ever after. It happened for a reason. Accept that and walk away. Trust me, this is the only way to retain sanity.
How did I learn this lovely little lesson? Well, you’d think the second divorce would have taught me. We had been engaged, broken it off, then got re-engaged and married. Clearly that did not end well. But no… that apparently was not sufficient. What it took to teach me this lesson once and for all was that combined with…… zombie guy.
That’s right, zombie guy. He broke it off once and I didn’t let it go. I poked it until he came back around. I held onto him. I had little fantasies about what a fun time we could have. I may have, at one point, envisioned tiny little zombies of my own. That is, right up until Sunday morning when he started to tell me all about this girl he’s been seeing and how he really likes her. I cut him off and killed the conversation. I think we both understood the problem after a moment. He apologized. So did I. We haven’t spoken since.
Am I happy? No. will I be okay? Yes. Do I have visions of future sleepovers with him? Not really. I’ve wised up. I’m walking away. No more zombie guy. Just simply….. no more. I am killing this undead chapter of my dating life once and for all.
(I just wish it didn’t sting like this. Because we barely knew each other. And yet…. this one burns just a little.)
So let me reiterate this all important lesson one more time. Because at some point in any single gal’s life, we will all contemplate the validity of this rule. We will all flirt with breaking it. Most of us even will. But it will not end well… in fact most horrible break up stories start when you get back together with your ex. So seriously. Just don’t.
April 15, 2008 at 7:59 am
Great advice and words to live by – thanks! I love your blog.
April 15, 2008 at 8:20 am
Delete his details from your outlook and your mobile (cell) phone. It’s childish and pointless but there is a tiny moment of catharsis at the moment when you see the number being deleted.
Do it when you have a clear head so you can look back and say well at that moment I was sane and it made sense.
Also try to hold onto the hurt/anger/frustration you might be feeling. Again this is silly and hardly grown up but it does offer a semblance of warmth while you desperately seek something else to occupy your mind.
April 15, 2008 at 10:29 am
Can I be the one who goes against the rules here?
I dated someone for 8 months my first year of college. We were broken up for many years and now we’ve been back together for over a year. It’s odd. I had finally gotten over it, rid myself of all the hurt and loss, and I guess finally exuding happiness that I created was what drew him back in. Things are much better than they were the first time, but we both had an exceptional amount of growing up to do. It took me awhile but I finally appreciate him breaking up with me so I could learn to live with myself.
No I wouldn’t go out recommending it to everyone, but it has worked for us. We may reach our end tomorrow or next week or next year or never, but I’m trying my best to be receptive of the lessons life tries to teach me and take things in stride.
April 15, 2008 at 2:01 pm
SingleGal – Thanks hon, and I love yours too!
Payne by name – Oh I already have done it. Deleted from all the places where I would be tempted to dig after the initial superficial deletes were done too. And done days later, of sound mind and clear head. I don’t need to nurture the pain though… I just need to let go and move on. Already doing that too.
jessica – I am an angry ball of bitter compared to you, so I will not say anything more. I think nothing but good happy thoughts for you though, ok?
April 15, 2008 at 3:52 pm
“Already doing that too” – Good to see.
April 15, 2008 at 4:03 pm
Hi Jane.. followed you here via Catherinette..that naughty little boozy suzy!
Okay…okay… yeah.. we all KNOW this should be a rule but darn it.. it’s soooo hard to live up to. Especially if that guy was ..oh…say .. great in the sack.. ha..ha.ha…
I can’t even count how many times I asked myself “Why is this relationship so hard to keep going” and yet I still tried. Dunno..glutton for punishment maybe?
But you are totally right. Not going back really is the best way. The previous issues that caused the breakup always wait under the surface to boil over again. ..sigh..
Lesson learned.. if I’m asking/telling myself “why/this is too hard” there is a good reason.
Right??
Right???
Cheers!
kitty
April 15, 2008 at 4:26 pm
Cinnkitty – RIGHT! More of us should listen to that little voice. Myself included.
Also, you know, next time Catherinette and I are out you could have twice the boobie fun if we both had your number.
April 15, 2008 at 4:27 pm
Words to live by, I just need the fantasies to go away. The Zombies of my own I guess. Or demons, I’d say.
Great post.
Jen
April 15, 2008 at 4:51 pm
The hard part is when we’re actually in that situation and we don’t want to follow the rule. Sometimes we’re just stupid.
April 15, 2008 at 5:42 pm
Pay me no attention. I think I probably came off as a lot more positive/optimistic than I actually am. I elected to downplay those years spent apart (or rather, not as a couple) as I don’t think there is enough time, space, or interest for me to expound on those feelings. Believe me when I say that things are not perfect with us, nor will they ever be. It’s about accepting that love is not perfect and being ok with that.
But I just wanted to let you know that it can happen. Most of the time it probably shouldn’t, but it can.
April 16, 2008 at 9:58 am
Amen! This is so hard to remember when you are in the moment, so kudos to you for recognizing and dealing with it immediately!
Love your blog.
April 17, 2008 at 2:59 am
Amen, sister. Kick that shit to the curb!
April 19, 2008 at 12:00 am
The slideback in inevitable …
May 6, 2008 at 4:18 pm
Yeah, Jessica and Brad make valid points. I was seeing a guy for a few weeks; things were going great until he stood me up with no explanation. But I’d lent him a CD I really liked, so I hassled him to get it back, and six weeks later he brought it to me. That lead to nine months together. A deeply flawed but in some ways useful nine months. And we’ve stayed in touch, loosely. Brad Paisley has a song on his latest CD that says, “Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.”