This week I had a lunch date with Mr. Big. It is the first time since our first few dates roughly five months ago that we have met with absolutely no intention of doing anything but eating lunch. And furthermore, that’s all we did. It was actually sweet. Ironically, all hell broke loose afterwards.

Mr. Big and I have been on a weird little roller coaster ride together for a while now. We keep drawing closer and closer to a discussion about relationships and our lack there of. Admittedly because I can’t stop poking the subject. And I can’t stop poking it because I am getting increasingly unhappy with this open-ended arrangement that seems to be the only way to keep him in my life. I believe he felt my frustration and the whole mess managed to boil up this week.

Let’s look first at the facts at hand. The open-ended arrangement is in place because Mr.Big refuses to be in a relationship. I want a relationship, and I care enough about him that I want it with him. Until recently he flat out refused, period. Recently, he has been saying it’s not out of the question sometime in the future. This has only added to my frustration. On top of that, despite the relationship resistance, Mr. Big has not dated anyone else since he met me and he is actively NOT looking to date anyone else any time soon. He also repeatedly tells me that he is not going to leave me and he understands his chances of me not leaving him are significantly lower. Please see my earlier sentiment regarding frustration levels, and add a few more notches.

In my mind, I firmly believe the only reason a man keeps something like this open is to allow himself the ability to find something better and leave it. It is a clear sign of an unwillingness to settle, but an acknowledgment that in the meantime it would be nice to have a little fun. It’s having your cake and eating it too. And it is a constant reminder (and slap in the face) that as a woman, you are temporary, unimportant, and a disposable commodity. And once something better comes along, you will be tossed aside and forgotten.

Unfortunately, as a woman, I am completely unable to think like a man. And Mr. Big’s head does not work like mine, as I learned while we hashed this out. In Mr. Big’s mind, calling this a relationship and officially closing the door to seeing other people equals serious commitment. And the last several times he has made serious committment, he has been burned fantastically. He has in various past relationships lost the ability to choose his own friends, been left waiting halfway across the country paying for an expensive apartment for a woman who would never come, and given up steps in his career for a woman who was not honest with him and demonstrated a great disregard for the sacrifice he was willing to make. In his mind, calling something a relationship means a deep level of trust and commitment that would open him up to all of this again and he is afraid of landing back where he’s already been. In his mind, telling me he won’t leave and that he just needs time to be sure is enough right now for me to wait.

In my mind, it meant he only wanted sex. And that I was good for nothing more.

In his mind, once he expressed his point of view and communicated his need, the issue should be ended. In my mind, I needed the reassurance that my needs were going to be met too. I needed extra acknowledgement. In his mind, I wasn’t asking for anything but exclusivity which he wasn’t willing to give so it looked like a stand-off where further discussion would get us nowhere.

This week we broke the cycle. Th result is imperfect, as all compromises are wont to be. Inherently, the nature of compromise is that no one will win in the end. Everyone will have to bend and give more than they want. Everyone lands outside their comfort zone. But such is the nature of relations between people. Always shades of gray.

I do not get my promise of exclusivity right now. Instead I give patience. I have to understand where he’s coming from and stop pushing. I have to trust that when he says it’s temporary, it really is. I have to believe that he’s not just another asshole and not treat him that way. I need to let go a little. But he has to consider me too. He has to be more proactive about reminding me that he does care. That while all the bedroom antics are fun, we have other fun too. He has to date me. He has to remind me that he actually likes me. He has to come over and keep all his clothes on sometimes. And sometimes when clothes come off, he has to spend the night. We have to have more fun together. He needs to reassure me. So that I can continue to be patient and can keep trying to understand where’s he’s been and where we are now.

There will be no stand-off today. We called a truce. And in one sweet sentence he let me hope again. After peace was restored, he said to me “So you’re saying lunch today was a good step, right?” Right.