Clearly all names in this blog have been changed to protect the guilty. Coming up with aliases for friends and dates and other assorted people is sometimes easy and sometimes not. And now I’m learning that it is sometimes prophetic.
When I named Mr.Big it was for reasons that had nothing to do with Carrie Bradshaw. It was actually something else all together that made me giggle even as I typed it that first time. I know that’s not what everyone expects, but it’s true. But recently I’m finding that Mr. Big’s alias may just be a self-fulfilling prophecy.
At night as I drift off to sleep, I tend to watch Sex and The City since it’s on cable now. Yes, I am just that girly. And the other night I was watching the episode where Carrie goes on her book tour to San Francisco and meets Mr. Big again for what she hopes will be a night of hot passion. Except he has read her book and is suddenly disturbed at how badly he’s hurt her. He never knew, he said.
And I stopped and thought about all the times Carrie went back to him. And all the times he unknowingly hurt her. And all the pain he caused her through the length of that TV series. And for about the 100th time that day, I started to cry.
I cried because I’ve been hurting for a while and I haven’t been acknowledging it. I cried because I thought I should leave my own Mr. Big but I also knew I lacked the courage to walk away right now. I cried because I knew I loved him and I didn’t know how he felt at all. I cried because I let it get this far.
And then I cried some more. I cried because at the end of that seven year TV series, in the very last episode, Carrie gets her Mr. Big. They end up together. And I cried because that gives me a twisted sense of prophetic hope. Then I cried because of how stupid that all is.
Mr. Big is truly my Mr. Big. I know that. What I don’t know is if we have the happy ending in store for us. And I can’t decide if I have the strength to wait and see. But right now I lack the strength to walk away.
What I didn’t know as I laid there crying is that things are on the verge of change for us. There is more to come in this story. But that is for another entry.
May 11, 2008 at 1:35 pm
We all have our “Mr. Bigs” in our lives, in one way or the other. Yes, it is hard to walk away because the “what if’s” get the best of you. You want to wait but need to move on and , if it is meant to be then Mr. Big and you will have the same ending as Carrie did with her Mr. Big. I, too, have my Mr. Big, the more I hear from him or have a casual dinner the more I want the ending to be the same as Carrie. After all why is he still hanging around? So it is meant to be, right? Good Luck!
I hope you find your happy ending hon. I know I’m still working on mine.
May 11, 2008 at 9:33 pm
Thanks… as far as happy ending, it is in the works. When it will hit me who knows. Some day when I least expect it, thats what they all say. But until then, I will keep plugging away and collecting the stories for my own “sex in the city” series. : ) Keep working on it, it will make you wiser in the long run!
May 15, 2008 at 12:16 pm
awww, hugs to you. i know it’s hard – like Sunshine said ‘we all have Mr. Bigs in our lives’. I hope you’re able to follow your heart to the choice that’s best for you.
I’m working on it.