So last month Mr. Big and I had a spontaneous conversation about the possibility of a relationship someday. I got stunned and worked up, he backed away quickly, and then I was all filled with sadness and panic. I’m fun like that, right? Anyway, it brought up some of my flight instincts, stirred up some of my discontent, and also showed me that under all of that I kind of wanted this man anyway.

This month, the conversation has been slower. And more serious. This month we are having a leisurely and real chat about all of those things again. This month Mr. Big and I are discussing moving in together. Not in a nebulous maybe someday kind of way either. It would be in late summer.

We have discussed where his stuff would go, where some of mine would have to move to, how finances and chores would work, and how we would have to dissolve it if it went south. We’ve talked about when he would move. We’ve talked about what personal freedoms we’d expect to give up and which ones we’d expect to keep. We’ve talked about how it would affect our current relationship.

This is not hypothetical. This is not a vague thing that maybe someday we could do. This is something we are considering for late summer, depending on how we make it through the beginning of summer. This would mean an honest relationship for us, with exclusivity and closing off of all the open ends. We have both agreed to the terms. This is real.

I am startled. I am thrilled. I am scared. Actually, I am terrified. I am letting myself relax around him. I am letting him in. I am eyeing the exit door, which is still open. I am telling myself to go through it and not to all at once. I am quietly rejoicing even as I freak out. I am a walking happy contradiction. I am especially afraid of the happy part.

I am analyzing our future now. I am deciding where this could go. I am telling myself that is ridiculous as I have no hope of knowing the answer right now. I can only see by moving forward, by getting closer to the target. But each step I take is another chance to get hurt. And oh, I’ve been hurt so much already. And I wasn’t alone very long, and shouldn’t I be on my own for longer? But why? What good will that do? Why not take the step? Why not trust a little? Why not let someone in? I know why not. Because I could get hurt. Because there is danger. But every step we take in life runs those risks. There is always hurt. There is always danger. I have never stood still because of it before. And where did that get me? Look at my past… how well did that theory really work? But oh…. the possibilities. And I can’t be scared forever.

That’s the bottom line. I can’t be scared forever. Can I?