The Set Up Monday, Jun 30 2008

So we have covered that QTMama and I are heading off to Vegas (in TWO DAYS!!!). There will be booze, a fabulous hotel, booze, bars, booze, music, and maybe… ummmm…. booze. But I believe we failed to mention the other feature of this trip.

Now before I tell you this, you must understand that QTMama and I are planning on having a blast. In fact, Vegas may implode due to our utter fabulosity all concentrated in one tiny place. The main focus of us going together is to join forces to conquer the universe. Seriously. Oh yeah, and so she can see her IrishMan. Whatever.

But the thing we haven’t been telling you is that there’s also a set up. Oh yes, the infamous set up. The IrishMan has a single friend. QTMama is bringing a single friend. Hmmmm…. whatever might happen? A set up, that’s what.

Single people are usually firmly divided on the topic of set ups. In one camp, you have the haters. They don’t want you trying to choose a mate for them. They are not interested in your hand outs. They are frequently tricked into the set up because they are ever resistant. In the other camp, there are the set up friendly. These folks have not had much luck picking people for themselves and are grateful to hand the reigns over to someone else for a while. For the record, I fall into the friendly camp.

The theory here is simple. I have clearly done a horrible job picking men for myself. I have actually married two men who I promptly divorced. And most others I can’t even be bothered to keep around for longer than an hour or so, if that. And if, by some small miracle, I manage to keep them around? There is no worry that I will run away and marry another as all of the ones who are allowed to stay are also allergic to any level of committment. That’s a fantastically horrible track record. Add to that the fact that I am now farming the internet for men because I am entirely incapable of meeting one in day to day interactions. So what’s to lose by letting someone else pick for a while? I mean seriously, it can’t be any worse.

Back to Vegas. Booze booze booze… and The Set Up. Doesn’t that just sound like a blog post waiting to happen?

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Bad Pickup Line Friday, Jun 27 2008

Here’s one for the DON’T list. Imagine seeing a profile on an online dating site. And imagine you thought you might like to meet that person. Then imagine sending the following email.

Can you take me to the bakery? Because, I want a Cutie pie like you!

You can’t imagine it can you? Why? Because it’s stupid. And it won’t get you a date. It will only get you deleted.

PS – Lack of greeting or signature and random capitalization only add to the lack of charm.

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Dear Jane Friday, Jun 27 2008

Yesterday I got this comment. With the author’s permission, I’m republishing it and serving up my first chunk of advice! Feel free to email or leave other questions in comments. It can be like “Dear Jane”…. sarcastic advice to live by!

“..I have been dating a guy for almost a month (About 6 dates in total) but I still have no idea how he feels, I have been trying to play it real cool by not calling too much, reacting to his actions instead of being on the offensive(not sure if this is a good thing) but I still am at a loss. We have never had a convo about us and I am not sure if I want to yet…is it too soon?…“

Here’s the deal. After 6 dates or roughly a month, neither one of you may know exactly what you feel. I mean, you may, but you also may not. It’s still super early. So I’d not stress over that particular bit right now.

It sounds like you’re also struggling over the direction you two are going though, and that is an acceptable conversation to have now. If you feel like you don’t want to see other people, for example. That’s a legitimate thing to express. You can broach the subject by asking him a question like “Are you dating anyone else?” or something. BUT! One thing you need to understand is that if you ask this type of question, you may NOT get angry when you get an honest answer. If he tells you he’s dating 20 other women, don’t get psycho-pants on him. Just tell him whether or not you’re comfortable with that at this stage and express what you’d like.

The other issue I see here is the communication thing. I do not condone the reaction-only type of communication beyond initial encounters. It’s one thing to let a guy pursue you, but it’s another if after 6 dates, you’re only speaking when spoken to. If you are interested in this guy, it’s okay to pick up the phone first once in a while. If you don’t, you run the risk of sending the message that you’re not interested. And if you’ve been doing this for a while, he may already be unsure. For the record, note that this can feed into a reluctance to discuss where the two of you may be headed. If he isn’t sure if you’re into him, then he may not be sure if he should be into you.

Bottom line? Call once in a while. And try to see where he is heading with this by asking non-threatening questions. Do not, under any circumstances, tell him you need to talk or make it seem like a big relationship discussion. Casual is the rule here. Be casual.

And let me know how it goes.

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Possibly…. oh whatever. Thursday, Jun 26 2008

So I finally got tired of this weird little two step PP and I have been doing. We are talking every couple of days and every time it’s the same thing. Maybe we can do something together soon. Maybe we’ll have free time at the same time. Maybe maybe maybe. This guy really is the Prince of Possible. Poor dude doesn’t know that will someday make him the King of Absolutely Nothing.

So I lost my temper a little and wrote him an email. It was polite, but clearly said that I actually had no idea what he wanted or where he was going with this since we only ever went on one tiny date. And I asked him point blank if he was just trying to be friends or wanted to try dating or what. Because when I lose patience I get direct. It usually gets me an answer… although whether I like it or not is another story.

He did answer, in the same day even. He wants to keep talking and try dating and see where it goes. He knows he’s been a pain. He’s sorry. Blahblahblah. Then he went on to call me that night to reinforce his position. What he doesn’t know is that it was sadly ineffective as still no date was planned.

So here’s the bottom line. It’s fun talking to him and all, but I am not investing any energy or effort into this whatever the hell it is. Or isn’t. Because he’s not worth it at this stage. If he wants more from me, he’ll have to give me more first. Until then, I’ll talk if he calls.

I am possibly a bitch. But whatever.

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Hint Sunday, Jun 22 2008

Here’s a hint. If you are closer in age to my father than you are to me? I’m not going to date you.

My stated age range on match.com is 27-40. If you are 53? You are well outside that range. Sending me a wink won’t change my mind. Seriously.

Get a clue.

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Possibly winding down Friday, Jun 20 2008

I have now spoken to PP several times this week. It is clear that he’s interested. He is not hiding that. But he is in a very busy period at work so he has zero free time. Literally. Zero. The boy actually worked until 1 AM one day this week and went back to the job 8 hours later.

Now I have a few hard and fast dating beliefs. And one of the big ones is that the job comes first. It’s nice to email or text or whatever throughout the day (if you’re into that sort of thing of course) but if a guy suddenly falls silent? I don’t cry over it. Job comes first. I don’t call boys at work. I I just don’t mess with anyone’s livelihood. That’s my bottom line.

I will not break those rules. But dammit, this is inconvenient. I am trying to determine if there will ever be anything to this, and I can’t see him! And the two hour long phone conversation we had this week was nice…. don’t misunderstand. But it doesn’t help like spending face time would.

So as nice as he is and as much as it’s not his fault, I’m afraid my disinterest is growing. I actually feel guilty about it as I know he isn’t doing this on purpose. But it’s happening nonetheless and there seems to be nothing either one of us can do.

The tale of PP may be coming to a close if something doesn’t give soon.

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Leavin’ (for) Las Vegas Tuesday, Jun 17 2008

So gentle readers, riddle me this: What could possibly be more dangerous than a One Date Wonder let loose in Sin City? I mean, that seems kind of like a recipe for insanity, right? Picture it… men, booze, sweltering heat, gambling….. right. That’s what I’m saying. And yet, I assure you, there is something more dangerous yet.

Pairing that One Date Wonder up with a rockin’ QTMama and letting them both run free through the streets!

That’s right, QTMama and I are packing it up and going to Vegas in just over two weeks. Kids and cats will remain at home and we will be let loose in the insane heat of Las Vegas. That town may never be the same.

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Theory Sunday, Jun 15 2008

Dating is hard. You know it is. Negotiating a tricky social situation with someone you may not know at all is simply difficult. It’s just uncomfortable to go and spend time with a stranger with expectations and hopes and feelings all raw and in the open. It’s unnatural and often painful. It’s just hard.

And what fascinates me about the process is that people constantly strive to make it even more difficult. One person will tell you to make immediate contact after a date, another will tell you to wait three days, still another will tell you you shouldn’t make contact at all but should wait to be chased. What is the right thing to do? Which rule is hard and fast? What should we all be following?

The bottom line is that everyone and every situation is different. So why on earth don’t we allow for that? Why don’t we do what is right at the time? Why do we insist on creating rules and regulations that in the end only frustrate most of us?

Recently I’ve been getting a lot of advice about men “liking the chase”. I should sit back and wait. My inherent air of mystery will bring them running. They will chase the unknown. And if they don’t, they’re just not that into me. And to some extent, I will admit there is wisdom hidden in there. Many men do like to pursue. And if they simply won’t, it can be a sign.

But the wisdom fails as well. Many men do not. And what about when they catch you? Because the goal of dating is not to dangle yourself out of reach for eternity. It is, presumably, to be caught. Will your man instantly leave then? Will they lose interest? Do you really want someone who can’t be bothered once they have your full attention?

And what about the fact that these generalities do not cover all situations? Each person is different. They have different needs, see things in different ways, want different things. There is no one blanket they all fit under. No one stereotype that will always apply. We can joke about typical men or typical women, but at the end of the day we don’t all fit the mold. And someone is getting very pissed at repeated attempts to be shoved in there.

If a man tells you up front that he will disappear if you don’t show some interest, do you honestly believe sitting back and making him chase you will work? Similarly if a woman tells you she will say exactly what she means, do you think constantly reading hidden meaning into her words is going to help you understand her?

The point is that dating is hard enough. The pressures, the fears, the hopes, the failures…. we’ve all been there. And as we get older it gets harder. Dating at every age has new challenges. So why do we, as single people, insist on making it more difficult? Why do we not just pay a little attention? Why not pay attention to what people say and try to meet them on common ground? Why do we not communicate with a little honesty so we can understand? Why not just listen?

If all men or women were the same, then it wouldn’t matter who we end up with. But we do not all come from the same cookie cutter, or even the same batch of dough.

PS – PP called. He is, beyond a shadow of a doubt, interested. And he would have called sooner had he not been working until quite late every night. He knows how early I get up and didn’t want to wake me. I already knew most of that, which is why I practiced a little patience. I

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Possibly a Date Wednesday, Jun 11 2008

This is going to come as a shock to everyone, I’m sure. But I actually went out on a bona fide date with PP. That’s right. We planned, we followed through, and we ate sushi together.

Actually we had a nice time. PP, he is tall. Way tall. Extremely tall. Which I, of course, think is totally hot. He is fairly attractive, and overall pretty normal, non-threatening and all of that. Conversation was easy, and laughter was plentiful. And one can never really go wrong with sushi. That was awesome.

The date went very quickly. And by that I don’t mean that we were so engrossed in conversation that hours flew right by. I mean that the date was short. Like, an hour and a half kind of short. Hi, here’s some sushi, nice meeting you and….. done. But I didn’t get a rushed or bad vibe out of it. Just…. short.

The next morning I did my standard maneuver that I execute after any reasonable good date when I feel another may actually occur. I wrote him a short email thanking him for dinner and letting him know I had a good time. We bantered back and forth for an hour or so then he said he needed to get back to work. So I wrote a final email and finished it off with a rather blunt suggestion that we plan to do something again sometime soon.

And that’s where it sits. The ball is squarely in PP’s court, or squire in his kingdom, or whatever. It’s his turn. And so I wait.

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A question for you Monday, Jun 9 2008

Sometimes what a gal really needs is a fresh take on things. Even a jaded One Date Wonder such as myself can still accept advice and try new tricks. So gentle readers, here is the question I’m posing to you:

Aside from online dating, how do you meet new prospects?

Now admittedly, I’d like to meet men. Meeting the ladies will not help me very much. So women, where are you finding them? And men, where are you trying to be found?

Do tell.

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