Yesterday I got this comment. With the author’s permission, I’m republishing it and serving up my first chunk of advice! Feel free to email or leave other questions in comments. It can be like “Dear Jane”…. sarcastic advice to live by!
“..I have been dating a guy for almost a month (About 6 dates in total) but I still have no idea how he feels, I have been trying to play it real cool by not calling too much, reacting to his actions instead of being on the offensive(not sure if this is a good thing) but I still am at a loss. We have never had a convo about us and I am not sure if I want to yet…is it too soon?…“
Here’s the deal. After 6 dates or roughly a month, neither one of you may know exactly what you feel. I mean, you may, but you also may not. It’s still super early. So I’d not stress over that particular bit right now.
It sounds like you’re also struggling over the direction you two are going though, and that is an acceptable conversation to have now. If you feel like you don’t want to see other people, for example. That’s a legitimate thing to express. You can broach the subject by asking him a question like “Are you dating anyone else?” or something. BUT! One thing you need to understand is that if you ask this type of question, you may NOT get angry when you get an honest answer. If he tells you he’s dating 20 other women, don’t get psycho-pants on him. Just tell him whether or not you’re comfortable with that at this stage and express what you’d like.
The other issue I see here is the communication thing. I do not condone the reaction-only type of communication beyond initial encounters. It’s one thing to let a guy pursue you, but it’s another if after 6 dates, you’re only speaking when spoken to. If you are interested in this guy, it’s okay to pick up the phone first once in a while. If you don’t, you run the risk of sending the message that you’re not interested. And if you’ve been doing this for a while, he may already be unsure. For the record, note that this can feed into a reluctance to discuss where the two of you may be headed. If he isn’t sure if you’re into him, then he may not be sure if he should be into you.
Bottom line? Call once in a while. And try to see where he is heading with this by asking non-threatening questions. Do not, under any circumstances, tell him you need to talk or make it seem like a big relationship discussion. Casual is the rule here. Be casual.
And let me know how it goes.
June 27, 2008 at 12:15 pm
Ok-So last night I decided to just pick up the phone and call, pretty much do what your advice said! I called, invited him over to watch a film and he agreed but was still at work and said would call me when he was en route home. He works quite late so by the time he called it was too late, plus I missed his call because my phone died. But his message was very sweet and all in all I felt better about the sitch and yes..I think calling a bit here and there is good advice because yesterday he said, “I really appreciate your call”–he’s half German so quite direct. Which leads to more issues..but I am going to play this one out and see where it goes. Thanks for the advice:)
Hey see? Trust you instincts, and your friendly internet dating adviser. Glad to help.