It’s Over Wednesday, Apr 23 2008

It is time for a confession.

I have an incredible soft spot for anyone who can sing. Looks are secondary, personality is even somewhat secondary. Just….. sing to me.

Having said that, you will still surely judge me for this next confession. Still, I can’t help myself. It’s true. And since you don’t actually know who I am, I feel safe telling you this.

Once upon a time, in a far away place….. Clay Aiken was my secret boyfriend. So secret in fact, that he was unaware of the situation. We were happy for a time you see. Until tonight.

Dude is in Spamalot. And he’s BLONDE. Our relationship had its ups and downs, and we’d been struggling lately since he’d been so quiet. But after this revelation, I had to break up with him. I’m sorry to say, he may never recover.

In fact, I predict he will turn to men now, as I have clearly ruined him for all other women. That is all.

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Without a Fight Tuesday, Apr 8 2008

Now I see it again…. the consequences of two divorces and 30 years of failed relationships. What happens when you don’t have a single good example to look to in your life. The natural reaction of someone who has watched all of her friends settle into happiness while all she could ever settle into were some broken dreams.

It’s not that my life is so bleak. It’s not that I’m so unhappy now. I mean, I’m aware of what’s missing, but I’m grateful for what I’ve started to build too. I have finally reached a place where I feel whole again. Where I feel ready to find someone else to build with too.

And yet. The bottom line. The one consequence I can never seem to outrun, is this: When someone says they would like something long term and committed? I panic. I start looking for reasons why I should run. I race for the exit and get my hand on the door before I can even slow myself back down again.

What is wrong with me? If I am finally face to face with what I want, why do I do this? I once had a friend chastise me for planning a breakup before I even had something to properly break up. We were talking about Mr. Big in fact, and I was telling her all of the reasons why I should never put stock in a relationship with him. (A notion that seems increasingly intelligent, by the way.) Why it would never be, and how I would have to leave in the end. And she interrupted me and told me to stop planning my break up before the relationship even started. To stop looking for the exit.

I don’t think it’s necessarily about the combination of me and the man in this situation. I think it’s about all me. I think it’s the reason I continue to meet men who don’t want to commit. Not because I’m repellent, but because subconsciously I am making a decision of some sort. I want to be committed, but something in me is still so very scared.

This is all navel-gazing for me at the moment. There is no man offering me commitment. But it’s something I have been realizing for a while and that was brought into sharp relief by that brush with Mr. Big this week. This morning I am just trying to stomp down the irrational panic. The fear of another breakup that looms before I even have a chance to just be happy for a bit. The tiny voice in my head that can sometimes be such a roar.

One of my new favorite artists is Edie Carey. This is from her album Another Kind of Fire and you should totally check her out. And while you’re at it, check out the lyrics below. I feel like maybe she has been in my head for a while. It’s eerie.

WITHOUT A FIGHT:
How do you do it?
I don’t get it
How you get so angry
And then just forget it
How forgiveness comes so easy to you
Maybe I’m just crazy
How I get so shaky
But what if happy just means lazy?
What if leaving is the only thing
I know how to do?

When will I learn
It doesn’t have to burn to feel good again?
I wanna know how to love you right
Without a fight

So I flirt with freedom
Think “maybe I don’t need him”
I’ve been saving up my reasons
Why I’m gonna break this little silver thread
Watch me go off the deep end
Smash the dishes again
Throw the suitcase on the bed
I’m just a hurricane of appetite
And empty threats

When will I learn
It doesn’t have to burn to feel good again?
I wanna know how to love you right
Without a fight

But the farthest I can get
Is one hand on the door

It looks so much like passion
And it hurts sweet like love
I think I’m finally understood, finally…

Without a fight, without a fight

-Edie Carey

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Drive Me Crazy Thursday, Jan 31 2008

Okay, so I spend a lot of time poking fun at the ridiculous things men do on these online dating sites. Today I will poke fun at myself in the name of women everywhere. The question is, why oh why must we over-analyze everything?

A guy looks me in the eye and tells me what his deal is. This happens to me often because I have a nasty habit of just asking or pressing the situation so I can find this little bit of information out. Maybe he tells me it’s just about the sex. Or maybe he says he’s just looking for friends right now. But the point is, I asked and he answered. That should be a pretty straightforward transaction, right?

Then why oh why must I constantly second guess him? Here is a little picture of what goes through my mind:

If he just wants to be friends, then why is he rubbing my shoulders like that? That’s not a very friendly signal. Only guys who are flirting rub shoulders. And, you know, he hugs me every time we see each other. And he does a lot of casual touching. Maybe he’s just a touchy feely kind of guy and he’s just comfortable with me because we’re buds. Or maybe he really meant right now and right now is over and he wants more. You know, this shoulder rub feels really nice, let me tell him. Oooooooh…. now he’s doing it more. That’s nice. This is definitely not friendly. Or is it?

See? see what I did there? I’ll tell you what I did there. I drove myself nuts by not taking what he said at absolute face value. I know that is a dumb chick thing to do. So then why can I not seem to stop myself?

Or am I on to something??? (SEE???)

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A Real Confession Tuesday, Jan 29 2008

You know, it’s easy to be flip and cheeky about dating do’s and don’ts and the funny things that happen out there. There is a lot to poke at, to be sure. But sometimes, even a One Date Wonder (or especially one) can get a bit melancholy about the whole thing.

As a single gal in my 30s, sometimes the whole thing is just scary. I mean, I have a good life. I have a stable job, a great apartment, and I can afford what I need and most of what I want in life. I have a supportive network of fabulous family and friends who I thank my lucky stars for every single day. But every single day when I’m doing that? I’m alone.

The truth is that I hate going to bed alone night after night. I could be flip about sex here, but that’s not what I mean. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life dating and coming home at night to a cat and an empty bed. I want to share my life with someone. And even this sarcastic chick doesn’t want to be alone.

I joke about not settling and not sacrificing, and it’s true that I’m picky. I’m scared of repeating the disaster of divorce. If I ever try to settle down again, I want to be sure it will last. I want to be sure I’m not making the same mistakes I’ve made in the past. I want to be sure my future won’t hold another painful split up. So I’m selective. I’m easily turned off. I’m fast to run away. I’m protective of my heart and my life. And it’s easy to make that funny, but maybe it’s not as entertaining when you see it this way.

The thing you rarely see and that I’ll rarely share is that sometimes I cry myself to sleep. I cry because my life wasn’t supposed to be this way. And I cry because I’m afraid this may be all I ever have. And while I know that if this life is the best it gets than I’m pretty damn lucky, I still feel just a little sad and empty inside.

Go figure, even a notorious One Date Wonder has feelings and dreams. And some days I think it might just be easier if I didn’t.

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