He said yes Tuesday, Jul 1 2008

So I went away for an overnight with Mr. Big. He had to travel for the week for work and the location was relatively close. We knew we wouldn’t be seeing each other for a while so on an impulse, he asked if maybe I would come up to see him. At first I laughed it off. Actually, I told him that was too far to drive just to get laid. But then he said it wasn’t just about that… we could hang out, go out to dinner, and stay the night together. That was what sealed the deal. The overnight. You know what a sucker I am.

So I drove away to meet him on Sunday night and spent the night in a hotel with him. I know he was there for work. I know it wasn’t a fun trip. But for just a brief time, I felt important to him. It made me hope. And hope, as we all know, is the devil.

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It happens Saturday, May 31 2008

Sometimes shit happens. Bad shit. And as much as you’d like to explain the details to everyone, you just can’t be bothered to rehash it like that. So let’s do it like this.

I overestimated Mr. Big. It was a clear mistake and I won’t do it again. It’s time for me to start exercising the open ended nature of this arrangement and date again. That’s the salient point here. Now all I need is someone to date.

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All aboard! Wednesday, May 28 2008

I have been riding the hormone express, so I was sparing you all the gory details. I know this saddens some of you as the hormone express can be funny to watch. But it is not funny if you are indeed trapped on the ride. And I am highly mockable even when sane, so I just didn’t need the help.

At it’s most glorious moment this past weekend, I was determined I had to dump Mr. Big. I had just decided he was truly only interested in me if I had no clothing and was gearing myself up for the big conversation. Mostly because he had gone dark for a weekend and I hadn’t heard from him. Two seconds into an IM conversation with me, he knew something was horribly wrong. But I hadn’t quite gotten myself set to share my big revelation so I was dodging. (How can someone know in one line of text that there is something wrong with me anyway. HOW???) Anyhow, he pushed until I admitted I was unhappy and gave some reasons for the cause. (His silence, his silence, and oh….. his silence.) Rational thought was restored soon after you will be pleased to know. And we are still…. well…. whaever we ever are.

But at the peak of the crazy talking, I somehow managed to reveal that I am afraid to tell him things sometimes because I don’t want him to think I’m a pain in the ass, or hard to deal with, or difficult, or whatever words guys use to describe chicks who make them batty in a bad way. I was already flailing around and sobbing on the couch because, you know, the end was nigh. And then he said it. He said one of the sweetest things a man has ever said to me. It wasn’t that he loved me or would never leave me or that I’m beautiful or anything. No…. he told me I’m not difficult. I’m not hard to deal with. And further more, I’m too hard on myself. He doesn’t understand why I think those things about myself, but they’re unjustified. According to him.

Well gentle readers, I cried even harder. Because in that moment I realized something horrible about the past…. oh, let’s say 15 years. Ever major male figure in my life for the past 15 years has told me what a pain in the ass I am. From my closest friends, to both my husbands, to my father himself. I’m difficult. I’m controlling. I’m “no shrinking violet”. I’m hard to deal with. I’m the reason my marriages went so rotten. I’m a bitch. Over and over and over they all say these things. And repetition is wearing. Eventually it sinks in. I believe I’m a giant pain in the ass.

So, for the first time in 15 years, a man who is important to me said I’m not any of those things. I’m not difficult. I’m not hard to deal with. I’m not a pain in the ass. He doesn’t think badly of me. I can tell him how I feel or when I’m unhappy because he’s not going to think less of me. And what’s even better, he thinks I’m am unnecessarily harsh with myself.

No one has ever said that to me before. It stopped me dead in my tracks. And after the tears cleared, it made me smile again. I’m still smiling.

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Random Saturday, May 17 2008

It is just a random Saturday morning in my mind. Naturally, I’m inviting you all to visit for a bit.

• My cat threw up somewhere this morning. I heard her do it and have no idea where she was. I need to find that.
• Zombie guy and I still talk sometimes. He wants to be friends. Every time he IMs me, all I can think of is him naked. This is not good.
• I have been jonesing for a ginger mojito for at least a week now. If I don’t get one tonight, I’m quite possibly going to shrivel up and die.
• I need to lose weight, but am kind of unwilling to diet. I only need to lose a little. Think I can find a way to do this? (I know you’re going to tell me to exercise, I just know it.)
• I am still waffling about having Mr. Big move in with me. Part of me has some very compelling reasons why it is a terrible idea.
• I need to schedule a yearly check up for the cat. Why did that not occur to me when she was vomiting? That’s weird.
• For some reason I like to eat leftovers without reheating them. Of just about anything. I’m pretty sure this disgusts the majority of the population. Sorry about that.
• I should really buy the soundtrack to Rent. Why haven’t I done that before now?

See? My mind is a scary place to be.

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But… Tuesday, May 13 2008

So last month Mr. Big and I had a spontaneous conversation about the possibility of a relationship someday. I got stunned and worked up, he backed away quickly, and then I was all filled with sadness and panic. I’m fun like that, right? Anyway, it brought up some of my flight instincts, stirred up some of my discontent, and also showed me that under all of that I kind of wanted this man anyway.

This month, the conversation has been slower. And more serious. This month we are having a leisurely and real chat about all of those things again. This month Mr. Big and I are discussing moving in together. Not in a nebulous maybe someday kind of way either. It would be in late summer.

We have discussed where his stuff would go, where some of mine would have to move to, how finances and chores would work, and how we would have to dissolve it if it went south. We’ve talked about when he would move. We’ve talked about what personal freedoms we’d expect to give up and which ones we’d expect to keep. We’ve talked about how it would affect our current relationship.

This is not hypothetical. This is not a vague thing that maybe someday we could do. This is something we are considering for late summer, depending on how we make it through the beginning of summer. This would mean an honest relationship for us, with exclusivity and closing off of all the open ends. We have both agreed to the terms. This is real.

I am startled. I am thrilled. I am scared. Actually, I am terrified. I am letting myself relax around him. I am letting him in. I am eyeing the exit door, which is still open. I am telling myself to go through it and not to all at once. I am quietly rejoicing even as I freak out. I am a walking happy contradiction. I am especially afraid of the happy part.

I am analyzing our future now. I am deciding where this could go. I am telling myself that is ridiculous as I have no hope of knowing the answer right now. I can only see by moving forward, by getting closer to the target. But each step I take is another chance to get hurt. And oh, I’ve been hurt so much already. And I wasn’t alone very long, and shouldn’t I be on my own for longer? But why? What good will that do? Why not take the step? Why not trust a little? Why not let someone in? I know why not. Because I could get hurt. Because there is danger. But every step we take in life runs those risks. There is always hurt. There is always danger. I have never stood still because of it before. And where did that get me? Look at my past… how well did that theory really work? But oh…. the possibilities. And I can’t be scared forever.

That’s the bottom line. I can’t be scared forever. Can I?

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Unintentional Prophecy Sunday, May 11 2008

Clearly all names in this blog have been changed to protect the guilty. Coming up with aliases for friends and dates and other assorted people is sometimes easy and sometimes not. And now I’m learning that it is sometimes prophetic.

When I named Mr.Big it was for reasons that had nothing to do with Carrie Bradshaw. It was actually something else all together that made me giggle even as I typed it that first time. I know that’s not what everyone expects, but it’s true. But recently I’m finding that Mr. Big’s alias may just be a self-fulfilling prophecy.

At night as I drift off to sleep, I tend to watch Sex and The City since it’s on cable now. Yes, I am just that girly. And the other night I was watching the episode where Carrie goes on her book tour to San Francisco and meets Mr. Big again for what she hopes will be a night of hot passion. Except he has read her book and is suddenly disturbed at how badly he’s hurt her. He never knew, he said.

And I stopped and thought about all the times Carrie went back to him. And all the times he unknowingly hurt her. And all the pain he caused her through the length of that TV series. And for about the 100th time that day, I started to cry.

I cried because I’ve been hurting for a while and I haven’t been acknowledging it. I cried because I thought I should leave my own Mr. Big but I also knew I lacked the courage to walk away right now. I cried because I knew I loved him and I didn’t know how he felt at all. I cried because I let it get this far.

And then I cried some more. I cried because at the end of that seven year TV series, in the very last episode, Carrie gets her Mr. Big. They end up together. And I cried because that gives me a twisted sense of prophetic hope. Then I cried because of how stupid that all is.

Mr. Big is truly my Mr. Big. I know that. What I don’t know is if we have the happy ending in store for us. And I can’t decide if I have the strength to wait and see. But right now I lack the strength to walk away.

What I didn’t know as I laid there crying is that things are on the verge of change for us. There is more to come in this story. But that is for another entry.

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The L Word Monday, Apr 28 2008

Let me paint you a picture here. A boy and a girl have been dating for several months. They have also been doing the deed. The L word has been completely absent up until this point. One day, casually in conversation (about body image, if that’s relevant) the boy says “I absolutely love the way you look.” The girl blinks, but thinks nothing more. A few days later during a conversation about decidedly naughty things together, the boy says “I love our time together.” Th girl blinks again, and thoughts fly.

Few things are so loaded as the word “love” when you’re with a member of the opposite sex. It is often entirely avoided. It is occasionally used to test the waters. And admittedly sometimes it is thrown around because someone doesn’t understand the strength of it. In my not so humble experience, it is often regarded as a freaky mine field by the female mind.

Here is a little guide for the boys, in case you didn’t already know.

• You most definitely can use it too soon and freak us out. This usually occurs more often as we get older and more cautious. It is also directly related to how googly-eyed we are over you. However in the wrong situation, it can cause immediate fleeing.
• You can also most definitely use it too late. We will eventually get tired of you being deeply in like with us and we will also flee.
• We reserve the right to over-analyze your use of this word at all times. Be aware that any time it is dropped into conversation in any relation to us, we will probably kick into overdrive. Let me demonstrate. “I love the Red Sox” will not make us blink. “I love our time together” makes us wonder if you are trying to tell us something else. We will then poke this situation from every angle, ask for advice from multiple people, and generally rip our hair out until you find a way to rectify this problem.
• The only solution to the above dilemma that will actually stop the hair pulling is to tell us you love us.
• And finally, much like we want you to ask us out and we want you to pick up the check, we want you to say it first. Most of us have put ourselves out on the line more than once and gotten the curt “Thank you” or worse yet “That’s nice”. We realize you may have too. But in our little girly hearts, we still want you to take the leap. Chances are if you are stable (as in not psycho), we have been dating for a while, and things are still going well? We will answer you with something that isn’t going to make you secretly want to vomit.

As with any dating rules, there will be exceptions. But for the most part, the L word is to be used with great caution and the complete understanding that we will pick apart any conversation in which it appears. Please proceed with caution, ok?

I would love to see the male counterpart to this conversation.

**For the record, yes I am participating in the general crazy making at this time. I would like to imagine that I’ve been restrained about it. I would also like to imagine that the whole scenario is indicative of a deep and lasting feeling Mr. Big has for me. Unfortunately, I cannot allow myself to imagine that or the crazy making will deepen. So I am generally trying to ignore it. Mostly. Sort of.

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Walk away Friday, Apr 25 2008

Due to maintenance issues, my apartment became very uncomfortable for me tonight. Mr. Big and I were discussing the situation and he kept apolgizing to me. To which I kept telling him this was not his fault. Then finally he told me he knew, but he just felt like I would be more comfortable at his place.

Me: I didn’t ask. I know better.
Him: that’s why I’m sorry.

I had to walk away.

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Roller coaster Friday, Apr 18 2008

This week I had a lunch date with Mr. Big. It is the first time since our first few dates roughly five months ago that we have met with absolutely no intention of doing anything but eating lunch. And furthermore, that’s all we did. It was actually sweet. Ironically, all hell broke loose afterwards.

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If it sounds to good to be true… Monday, Apr 7 2008

…it usually is.

Apparently what Mr. Big meant to say last night was “I don’t want anything to change right now, but I haven’t ruled out the possibility of a relationship in the future”. Which, to me, has vague undertones of “don’t leave me just yet, ok?”.

So, you know, false alarm. Nothing to see here. Move along folks.

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